Manifesto Part 3 - The environment

The environment

• All cars sold in the UK must have an engine size of at least 1.8 litres.

• There will be tax breaks for people driving luxury cars and 4x4s but smaller more economical cars will be taxed to the hilt. They will thus become status symbols and those idiots who currently drive round in BMW X5s will switch to 1.8 litre cars to demonstrate how rich they still are.

• Anyone who got rid of anything determined (by me) to be a decent car under the scrappage scheme to buy some pile of complete tat from Korea or Malaysia will be forced to watch whilst former employees of the British car industry smash it to pieces with sledge hammers.

• Anyone who replaces a perfectly good electrical appliance with one twice the size and then claims to be doing it for environmental reasons will be sent to prison for 100 years.

• Anyone who complains about wind farms will have a turbine installed in their front garden.

• Anyone who claims that the air coming out of the exhaust of their Porsche is cleaner than the air going in will be made to breathe that air for a month.
  

Manifesto Part 2: Law and Order

Law and order

• The police will be equipped with Apache attack helicopters rather than those crappy things they currently have. Rather than following stolen cars for 4 hours they will just wait until the miscreant is reasonably clear of bystanders and blast him to pieces.

• Judges who give out bizarre sentences will be made to serve the sentence I deem suitable, in place of the criminal.

A number of new criminal offences will be created incuding:

• Wittering into your mobile when you should be paying for your shopping;

• Footballers diving during matches;

• The inappropriate use of childern’s toys by adults (this will mainly centre on prison terms for anyone over the age of 15 riding a BMX or skateboard);

• Towing caravans except between the hours of 2am and 4am on Wednesdays

• Supporting football teams with which you live nowhere near and have no connection with whatsoever. And yes, Dave from Essex, that does mean you.

My Election Manifesto part 1

Key principles

• Once elected I will abolish the concept of general elections and turn Britain into a despotic regime with me in charge. There will be no further televised debates, no campaign buses and I won’t force my family to go and hang around in hospitals and schools for me. It only causes a load of fuss and gets everyone’s hopes up about things actually changing. The public will, however, be able to remove me from office ant time they like. All they will have to do is come to my heavily guarded castle and ask (and bring lots and lots of guns).
  

• There will no longer be a cabinet as such. It will just be me and a few carefully selected friends. My mate Paul at work wants to run the military so that should be good. He has plans to invade Luxembourg first of all.

• Scotland, Ireland and Wales can be fully devolved if they wish. There will be a referendum on this in the affected countries but I can’t absolutely guarantee that we will abide by the result..

• Any devolved former parts of the UK will be invaded and conquered within days of devolution.

• We will continue to be members of the EU but banging on about it when you have no idea what you are wittering on about will be outlawed.

• There will be a number of matters on which UCAMP will not have any policies whatsoever because they only cause arguments and make the Daily Mail readers get in a tizz. These will be announced later.

Cricket part 2

Questions:

1. How can you play a game for 4 days and not end up with a positive result one way or the other?
2. Why can't they play in the rain?
3. Do they really have tea?
4. Why don't they just get some lights and a yellow ball so that bad light can't stop play?

Thank you

I would just like to say a big thank you to Virgin Media for their excellent service over the last few days. My V+ box gave up the ghost on Wednesday night amidst much clicking and funny noises. Oh yes they said, I'm sure we'll be able to fix that from our end, we'll get someone to call you back. Surprisingly, not only have they not phoned me back, they haven't been able to fix it from their end either because it's the bloody box that is broken.

5,000 phone calls later they are sending a technician round on Tuesday.

Keep watching readers as I will be unveiling my election manifesto later.

My son's comments on my blog:

this is the most boring blog in the world, it's just not a tribute.

He gets it!

David Cameron hit by an egg

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

PMSL
ROFLMAO
LOL

etc.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8634952.stm