Fat Billy

I'd like to introduce you to fat Billy. Fat Billy can be seen on the right in the attached clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMPRQLAW3Io

all of this is very amusing you might think. However, there is something altogether more sinister going on. As you might expect, fat Billy is rubbish at sport. That is not anything to be ashamed of at all, I'm rubbish at sport myself.

However, the political correctness Nazis have latched on to fat Billy. The next time you go to your kids' school sports day you will see the influence that fat Billy has had. Because Billy can't run more than 10 feet without his lungs exploding, there are no longer any running races because we have to value Billy's diversity and inability to do anything physical. There is nothing involving jumping because Billy cannot get off the ground unaided.

Instead your children will find themselves throwing a beanbag at a 6 foot wide target on the ground aiming for the middle. Because the middle is only 3 feet away, everyone can hit the middle, including Billy and the specky kid with grommets in his ears. Once they have done that they will get to throw the polystyrene javelin which is so light and wet that it actually goes further if thrown in a weak and wet fashion.

It should be pointed out that none of this is fat billy's fault. If he wants to survive on a diet of donuts and blue pop that's up to him. The people who should be blamed are those obsessed with political correctness. Billy can't do sport, that doesn't mean we should make it so easy that everyone should do it does it?

Brown Bread

Isn't it? mmmm.

Did you know that the only other person on blogger who lists brown bread as an interest is also called Keith.

As if it wasn't bad enough sharing a name with messrs Harris, Chegwin, Lard, Lemon and the fat bloke from The Office.

The votes are in.

My god it's been a busy couple of days. Yesterday was spent on the election trail going round a few marginal seats and whatnot. Then I was just settling down for a cup of coffee and a jaffa cake when my old mate Nigel Farage rang to ask if I knew how small aeroplanes worked. For some reason he ended the call before I could pass on my experience.

Today it's been like a hotline to the would-be leader. DC wanted to know if he should appear in rolled-up shirtsleeves or a suit, Nick Clegg doesn't know whether to bunk up with DC or GB. Bless him. The Tory policies on banning skinny jeans and skateboarding really appeal to him but Gordon's plan to give everyone free porridge are also right up his street. Gordon will give him a referendum on PR, DC will get some suits to write a report on it.

Gordon wants to know if I will support him. I've said I will in return for a peerage so by this time next week I might be Lord Keithamondo of Bolton.

Important issues

City v Spurs is 0-0 after 20 minutes.

Manifesto - final part

This is the part that will actually get me elected:

Transportation (like we used to do with criminals)

Under my regime certain people who I find deeply annoying will be transported to somewhere deeply miserable (Wales?) and never allowed to return. The list currently includes:

David Cameron;

Michael Winner;

Mick Hucknall;

Jim Davidson;

Prince Philip;

Timmy Mallett;

Didier Drogba;

Gary Lineker;

Michael McIntyre;

But not Thatcher or Gary Neville. Oh no. Thatch and Gaz are quite literally toast. I will have a giant toaster built and we will actual toast them until they are toast.

Lazy, bone-idle, Jermy Kyle watching scroungers will not be transported. They will be given to the army to be used in Afghanistan to find IEDs.

My final pre-election post will be to give my assessment of the candidates.

Manifesto Part 4 - Transport

• There will be huge investment in public transport and it will be paid for by rich people. If the rich people don’t like it they can bugger off to Spain or somewhere. However, rich British people need to be aware that if they choose to leave, they will never, ever be allowed back in and MI6 will hack their bank accounts and steal all their money.

• Coupled with the new investment there will be new rules:

• If you smell you will be made to travel by bicycle;
• If you are too fat to fit in a seat you will be made to travel by bicycle;
• If you are loud and annoying and insist on talking to the person next to you who you don’t know from Adam, you will be made to travel by bicycle.

• The police will have new powers allowing them to use their new apache helicopters on anyone jumping the queue in roadworks where lanes have to merge.

• In any situation where VOSA traffic officers shut the M6 because someone has had a puncture, they will be made to sit in their cars for 4 hours at the end of their working day before they are allowed to go home.