Manifesto Part 4 - Transport

• There will be huge investment in public transport and it will be paid for by rich people. If the rich people don’t like it they can bugger off to Spain or somewhere. However, rich British people need to be aware that if they choose to leave, they will never, ever be allowed back in and MI6 will hack their bank accounts and steal all their money.

• Coupled with the new investment there will be new rules:

• If you smell you will be made to travel by bicycle;
• If you are too fat to fit in a seat you will be made to travel by bicycle;
• If you are loud and annoying and insist on talking to the person next to you who you don’t know from Adam, you will be made to travel by bicycle.

• The police will have new powers allowing them to use their new apache helicopters on anyone jumping the queue in roadworks where lanes have to merge.

• In any situation where VOSA traffic officers shut the M6 because someone has had a puncture, they will be made to sit in their cars for 4 hours at the end of their working day before they are allowed to go home.