A classic from JC himself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLkmC2VuXA8

99 Red Balloons

An 80s classic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14IRDDnEPR4

Facebook

Well i've finally signed up. My initial observation is that lots of people who I never got on with at school now want to be my mate. Which is nice. Still, at least there is an ignore button. I still have abosolutely no interest in what someone I went to school with (but never exchanged a civil word with) 20 years ago had for their tea. And no, I don't want to look at your holiday photos either as I couldn't give a **** whether you went to Butlins or the Bahamas.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw a midget/dwarf (or was it a goblin?) carrying a Primark bag the other day. This reminded me of the time I saw one on a BMX. Bloody good fit for the lad it was too.

KR's

As I approach 40, I've reached a stage where pretty much everything gets on my tits to some extent.

My pet hate for the day is people who sign off e-mails by putting KR's after their name. As I understand it, KR's is an abbreviation for kind regards. You put it at the bottom of your e-mails as a platitude after explaining why you haven't completed the urgent task that they have been nagging you about for weeks.

However, typing kind regards is very onerous (I've just typed it twice and am now knackered) so you just put KRs. What this says to me is "I would like to offer you my kindest regards. However, I'm not that bothered about doing so. At least I'm not so bothered that I can be arsed to type it out." What is really galling is that people use the automatic signature thing in Outlook and have it as part of that. They don't even have to type it, just hit the button, and they still can't be arsed. Thanks. Thanks a ****ing bunch.

Today I get one signed off saying "Best". Nothing else, just the body of the message, "Best" and the person's name. Best what? George Best? Best Bitter? Best deals on carpets?

People who can't park

I'd just like to say thanks to the bell-end who parked next to my car at work this morning. I've had a bad back all week and clambering into my car from the passenger side made it soooo much better!

My car is the blue Alfa and the photo actually makes the gap look bigger than it is.

America

Land of the free, home of the quite staggeringly stupid:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJuNgBkloFE

Country beginning with U anyone?

Monks

I started this blog with a fascinating tale of a bloke having a wee near Bolton Abbey. I have now decided to make tales of urination an occasional feature. Yesterday, my son and I were paying a visit at Exeter services on the M5. Also making use of the facilities were two monks. Both were wearing sunglasses but one had Crocs on which rather detracted from the overall effect.

Fat Billy

I'd like to introduce you to fat Billy. Fat Billy can be seen on the right in the attached clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMPRQLAW3Io

all of this is very amusing you might think. However, there is something altogether more sinister going on. As you might expect, fat Billy is rubbish at sport. That is not anything to be ashamed of at all, I'm rubbish at sport myself.

However, the political correctness Nazis have latched on to fat Billy. The next time you go to your kids' school sports day you will see the influence that fat Billy has had. Because Billy can't run more than 10 feet without his lungs exploding, there are no longer any running races because we have to value Billy's diversity and inability to do anything physical. There is nothing involving jumping because Billy cannot get off the ground unaided.

Instead your children will find themselves throwing a beanbag at a 6 foot wide target on the ground aiming for the middle. Because the middle is only 3 feet away, everyone can hit the middle, including Billy and the specky kid with grommets in his ears. Once they have done that they will get to throw the polystyrene javelin which is so light and wet that it actually goes further if thrown in a weak and wet fashion.

It should be pointed out that none of this is fat billy's fault. If he wants to survive on a diet of donuts and blue pop that's up to him. The people who should be blamed are those obsessed with political correctness. Billy can't do sport, that doesn't mean we should make it so easy that everyone should do it does it?

Brown Bread

Isn't it? mmmm.

Did you know that the only other person on blogger who lists brown bread as an interest is also called Keith.

As if it wasn't bad enough sharing a name with messrs Harris, Chegwin, Lard, Lemon and the fat bloke from The Office.

The votes are in.

My god it's been a busy couple of days. Yesterday was spent on the election trail going round a few marginal seats and whatnot. Then I was just settling down for a cup of coffee and a jaffa cake when my old mate Nigel Farage rang to ask if I knew how small aeroplanes worked. For some reason he ended the call before I could pass on my experience.

Today it's been like a hotline to the would-be leader. DC wanted to know if he should appear in rolled-up shirtsleeves or a suit, Nick Clegg doesn't know whether to bunk up with DC or GB. Bless him. The Tory policies on banning skinny jeans and skateboarding really appeal to him but Gordon's plan to give everyone free porridge are also right up his street. Gordon will give him a referendum on PR, DC will get some suits to write a report on it.

Gordon wants to know if I will support him. I've said I will in return for a peerage so by this time next week I might be Lord Keithamondo of Bolton.

Important issues

City v Spurs is 0-0 after 20 minutes.

Manifesto - final part

This is the part that will actually get me elected:

Transportation (like we used to do with criminals)

Under my regime certain people who I find deeply annoying will be transported to somewhere deeply miserable (Wales?) and never allowed to return. The list currently includes:

David Cameron;

Michael Winner;

Mick Hucknall;

Jim Davidson;

Prince Philip;

Timmy Mallett;

Didier Drogba;

Gary Lineker;

Michael McIntyre;

But not Thatcher or Gary Neville. Oh no. Thatch and Gaz are quite literally toast. I will have a giant toaster built and we will actual toast them until they are toast.

Lazy, bone-idle, Jermy Kyle watching scroungers will not be transported. They will be given to the army to be used in Afghanistan to find IEDs.

My final pre-election post will be to give my assessment of the candidates.

Manifesto Part 4 - Transport

• There will be huge investment in public transport and it will be paid for by rich people. If the rich people don’t like it they can bugger off to Spain or somewhere. However, rich British people need to be aware that if they choose to leave, they will never, ever be allowed back in and MI6 will hack their bank accounts and steal all their money.

• Coupled with the new investment there will be new rules:

• If you smell you will be made to travel by bicycle;
• If you are too fat to fit in a seat you will be made to travel by bicycle;
• If you are loud and annoying and insist on talking to the person next to you who you don’t know from Adam, you will be made to travel by bicycle.

• The police will have new powers allowing them to use their new apache helicopters on anyone jumping the queue in roadworks where lanes have to merge.

• In any situation where VOSA traffic officers shut the M6 because someone has had a puncture, they will be made to sit in their cars for 4 hours at the end of their working day before they are allowed to go home.

Manifesto Part 3 - The environment

The environment

• All cars sold in the UK must have an engine size of at least 1.8 litres.

• There will be tax breaks for people driving luxury cars and 4x4s but smaller more economical cars will be taxed to the hilt. They will thus become status symbols and those idiots who currently drive round in BMW X5s will switch to 1.8 litre cars to demonstrate how rich they still are.

• Anyone who got rid of anything determined (by me) to be a decent car under the scrappage scheme to buy some pile of complete tat from Korea or Malaysia will be forced to watch whilst former employees of the British car industry smash it to pieces with sledge hammers.

• Anyone who replaces a perfectly good electrical appliance with one twice the size and then claims to be doing it for environmental reasons will be sent to prison for 100 years.

• Anyone who complains about wind farms will have a turbine installed in their front garden.

• Anyone who claims that the air coming out of the exhaust of their Porsche is cleaner than the air going in will be made to breathe that air for a month.
  

Manifesto Part 2: Law and Order

Law and order

• The police will be equipped with Apache attack helicopters rather than those crappy things they currently have. Rather than following stolen cars for 4 hours they will just wait until the miscreant is reasonably clear of bystanders and blast him to pieces.

• Judges who give out bizarre sentences will be made to serve the sentence I deem suitable, in place of the criminal.

A number of new criminal offences will be created incuding:

• Wittering into your mobile when you should be paying for your shopping;

• Footballers diving during matches;

• The inappropriate use of childern’s toys by adults (this will mainly centre on prison terms for anyone over the age of 15 riding a BMX or skateboard);

• Towing caravans except between the hours of 2am and 4am on Wednesdays

• Supporting football teams with which you live nowhere near and have no connection with whatsoever. And yes, Dave from Essex, that does mean you.

My Election Manifesto part 1

Key principles

• Once elected I will abolish the concept of general elections and turn Britain into a despotic regime with me in charge. There will be no further televised debates, no campaign buses and I won’t force my family to go and hang around in hospitals and schools for me. It only causes a load of fuss and gets everyone’s hopes up about things actually changing. The public will, however, be able to remove me from office ant time they like. All they will have to do is come to my heavily guarded castle and ask (and bring lots and lots of guns).
  

• There will no longer be a cabinet as such. It will just be me and a few carefully selected friends. My mate Paul at work wants to run the military so that should be good. He has plans to invade Luxembourg first of all.

• Scotland, Ireland and Wales can be fully devolved if they wish. There will be a referendum on this in the affected countries but I can’t absolutely guarantee that we will abide by the result..

• Any devolved former parts of the UK will be invaded and conquered within days of devolution.

• We will continue to be members of the EU but banging on about it when you have no idea what you are wittering on about will be outlawed.

• There will be a number of matters on which UCAMP will not have any policies whatsoever because they only cause arguments and make the Daily Mail readers get in a tizz. These will be announced later.

Cricket part 2

Questions:

1. How can you play a game for 4 days and not end up with a positive result one way or the other?
2. Why can't they play in the rain?
3. Do they really have tea?
4. Why don't they just get some lights and a yellow ball so that bad light can't stop play?

Thank you

I would just like to say a big thank you to Virgin Media for their excellent service over the last few days. My V+ box gave up the ghost on Wednesday night amidst much clicking and funny noises. Oh yes they said, I'm sure we'll be able to fix that from our end, we'll get someone to call you back. Surprisingly, not only have they not phoned me back, they haven't been able to fix it from their end either because it's the bloody box that is broken.

5,000 phone calls later they are sending a technician round on Tuesday.

Keep watching readers as I will be unveiling my election manifesto later.

My son's comments on my blog:

this is the most boring blog in the world, it's just not a tribute.

He gets it!

David Cameron hit by an egg

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

PMSL
ROFLMAO
LOL

etc.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/8634952.stm

Cricket

As the football season is nearly finished and the cricket season is upon us, I have decided to take this opportunity to say a few words about cricket and the sound of leather on willow.

It's really, really boring.

Thank you.

Big puff

Imagine the scene, you've just scored a vital goal which wins a match for your team in the dying seconds against your bitter local rivals at their place. Your hair is still ginger but otherwise, life is pretty good. The away fans are chanting your name the gaffer is applauding you and even the Daily Mail are preparing to write nice things despite claiming all season that you are past it.

All of a sudden you hear a voice. "Paul" it says "I know you think that David was my favourite but really I always loved you and your ginger pubes. Please will you marry me and we can have little ugly wet-lipped ginger babies."

Before you can say or do anything, he pounces and you're trapped, his wet lips and crappy bumfluff beard have latched on like a limpet.

I have been challenged

My daughter doesn't believe that this is my blog. She thinks I just happened to have found one with the same name as I was going to use. She is stood by me as I type eating a ham sandwich the size of her head and now owes me a pound!

I will report back as and when she pays me.

Bugger!

Told you Norwich would win. Admittedly my prediction was a bit off and my arithmetic wasn't bang on either but I just knew the dirty reds would win. I just can't believe we were scuppered by a frigging ginger. I could say at least John Terry and Chelsea didn't let me down but of course they did. John, John, John, what did Wayne Bridge's estranged bird and knicker model Veronica Periodical ever see in you, you soft southern get.

On the plus side I've had lots of booze and a curry so things don't seem quite so bad tonight. .

i thought about going jogging to lift my spirits but realised that jogging is nearly as rubbish as dominoes so didn't bother in the end.

City v Norwich City Wannabes

It may have escaped your attention but Manchester City are playing that other shower of shit at the City of Manchester Stadium tomorrow. In keeping with the occasion I thought I would make a prediction as to the result.

I think it will be 11-12 in favour of United.

City will race to to a 11 goal lead with hat-tricks from Tevez, Bellamy and Adebayor, Adam Johnson will bag one and ricky Hatton will come off the bench for no. 12. At the end of extra time, the 4th official will indicate a minimum of 4 hours' added time during which a series of bizarre penalties will be awarded in United's favour. After 23 attempts they will finally take the lead at which point the referee will blow the final whistle. Fans of the dity reds will spend the next two months justifying the added time and explaining why Rio Ferdinand hitting Craig Bellamy with a chair in the centre circle results in a penalty being awarded to United and baconface's chewing gum losing its flavour means Tevez gets sent off.

Can't wait!

Just enjoying a nice bottle of Sneck Lifter. I was hoping that it wouldn't be safe to go to work tomorrow but there's no sign of the volcanic ash yet.

Bit of a struggle

I'm finding it hard to come up with anything suitably boring to fill a few lines as I've had a couple of days off with my wife which has been very enjoyable and has involved lots of walking and pub lunches. But this is supposed to be dull, just like every other blog out there so you don't want to know about that do you?

During a brief dull interlude yesterday I managed to fix my car using a 15mm socket I modified with an angle grinder. This gave it sufficient clearance to fit between the troublesome idler and the inner wing. The job was done in a matter of minutes with the modified socket and the car no longer sounds like a milkfloat.

Back to work tomorrow so I will be able to provide more tales of disinterest.

Broken car

Tried to fix my car yesterday.

It has a noisy alternator belt idler. Unfortunately none of my spanners or sockets fit the bolt so it remains undone. I'm going to have another go tomorrow with a shiny new spanner.

Had Chicken Tikka Masala for tea and very nice it was too.

A further bonus was that Manchester city won 5-1 and the dirty reds could only manage a draw. Old Baconface isn't happy either which always improves my mood and makes me think of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZ4bhvszoMg

More to follow tomorrow including what I have for lunch.

Friday 9 April

Not much to report so far. Cleaned the interiors of both cars this morning.

Went out for a nice lunch with my family, then we went for a walk. On the way home we stopped off to pick up a part for my car which I will fit over the weekend.

No sign of anyone in a Range Rover having a Pat Cash today.

This is just a tribute

Welcome to my tribute to all those incredibly boring blogs that everyone and his dog seems to have. As my life merrily rolls forward, I shall use it to update you on the incredibly tedious things that I do that you wouldn't give a toss about if I was to tell you them face to face.

Highlight for today.

Went to Bolton Abbey with the family. On the way back we saw a man with a Range Rover blatantly having a wee in a lay-by.

More pointless tripe to follow soon.