My Election Manifesto part 1

Key principles

• Once elected I will abolish the concept of general elections and turn Britain into a despotic regime with me in charge. There will be no further televised debates, no campaign buses and I won’t force my family to go and hang around in hospitals and schools for me. It only causes a load of fuss and gets everyone’s hopes up about things actually changing. The public will, however, be able to remove me from office ant time they like. All they will have to do is come to my heavily guarded castle and ask (and bring lots and lots of guns).
  

• There will no longer be a cabinet as such. It will just be me and a few carefully selected friends. My mate Paul at work wants to run the military so that should be good. He has plans to invade Luxembourg first of all.

• Scotland, Ireland and Wales can be fully devolved if they wish. There will be a referendum on this in the affected countries but I can’t absolutely guarantee that we will abide by the result..

• Any devolved former parts of the UK will be invaded and conquered within days of devolution.

• We will continue to be members of the EU but banging on about it when you have no idea what you are wittering on about will be outlawed.

• There will be a number of matters on which UCAMP will not have any policies whatsoever because they only cause arguments and make the Daily Mail readers get in a tizz. These will be announced later.